Just Because

I am tired. I read back to my previous post and I wonder whether I am happy or not. In one of my earlier October post, I said that guilt is chomping me from within because I felt that I have not been a good girl friend. So now I wonder whether the problem lies with me or with him?

If I do not ask how his day was, he will say that I do not ask him how it went. 
If I ask him, he will tell me that he does not feel like talking about it. 
So, am I supposed to ask him or just keep mum about it?

I told him about my cancellation of hotel booking in Singapore. He said that it is better that I do not update him anymore.
But when I made my first booking in Balesteir, he asked me why I never consulted him before making a reservation.
So, am I supposed to tell him everything or not?

Last year I told him I wanted to go to Philippines in Oct, he told me it will be rainy season and Philippines is not a very safe place. 
When I was sitting for my June papers, I told him I needed a good break after my exams. He said he will bring me to some where off Bintulu, which never happened, if you need to know. I checked out this place - Borneo Rainforest, about an hour drive from Miri and suggested to him, but he said that for sure I cannot stand the mosquitoes there.
I told him I want to go to Langkawi and Penang. He asked me why? For sure I will not enjoy my time in Langkawi because it will be very crowded and in addition to that, Penang food is not good. 
I told him I want to go to Bali - he gave me a funny look. He must have commented something bad about it too, which I have forgotten.
I told him a friend of mine is going to Taiwan soon, he said it is the rainy season. 
He then finally said it to me, if I wish to go traveling, I should just go with my sisters. With the reason being that maybe he is too old for this, though he enjoyed traveling when he was younger. 
He said that it is up to me to choose the place to eat, since it will be a belated birthday dinner with me, so I told him that I want crab from Miri. He paused for a moment, and nodded. 


I am always driving around getting him lunch and/or dinner, regardless of the weather and of my health condition. 
We are forever eating in front of the television. Normally he will finish his food faster than me, he will light up his cigarette in front of me, while I am still eating my food. 
I am forever the one preparing him hot drinks, cold drinks and whatsoever. 


He always tells me that he wants to send me off or pick me up whenever I am going abroad, I fell for this trap countless time, because I know that he will not do it. Always something has to come up. So my trip to Singapore next week, I never expect him to do it, so I never ask him. That was why I chose flight from BSB instead of from Miri. He then tries to set up the same ol' trap for me to jump in again. 


He knows very well that my flight will only reach the LCCT in KL, which is not the same as KLIA, which has Burger King. He actually told me to take a bus, cab or public transport to go to KLIA to buy him some burgers from Burger King, since my flight from KL to Brunei will only leave at 1.30pm. 

I am really tired of all these. I am being treated like a dirt, scumbag, doing all the things I do not like and yet I do not get appreciated. In addition to all the things I have done above, I actually drove all the way to SPARK just to submit HIS job application form during lunch. He compensated me by cooking curry chicken for dinner, which he was showing me his face just cuz he could not reach me earlier, when I was home on the phone with an ex-colleague for half an hour. I did ask him repeatedly whether he was tired during the day or not, he said no and in the end, he gave me this crap. 
Do I deserve this? 

Why is that when he goes back to Singapore, he can drive his wife (ex-wife?) and kid to KL without complaining of being tired? While he can just tick off just at the slightest thing I do - it could be just a wrong way of conveying the message in my head, something I am not able to do. My heart feels so drop dead cold. I am forever making the effort to go over to his place, and hoping there will be this day when he will introduce me to his parents or godmother, at least. But it never happened. He never went to my house to meet my parents. 

When I see Emily & Andrew being together, I am envious because I do not get spoilt like that. I did not go through the lovey-dovey stage like them. I want that. I am just a 25 years old lady after all. I want to go somewhere with him where we can relax and have fun. But it seems like it will never happen. 

Eating out with me is as if it is a biggest dread for him. We do not even eat in KB, unless it is in a remote place, and late at night. But with his colleagues, he can just join them every lunch and every tea break. 

Deep down, I know he is not the right guy for me. Perhaps I am scared of being alone. I want to walk away from this so-called relationship, I really want to. Just because I am tired.

A Day Came & Gone

Happy Belated Birthday to me. It has almost been a week since I have turned 25! Okay, the picture says 50, but personally, I think that this cake is too glam for a 50-yo lady, but she may have that special preference, you never know. However I personally would not mind. Recently I have this fetish on pink: I have a pink LG Lollipop, pink boots ordered from G-market and I want a pink cake too. But it did not come. It just came and gone just as another day. I was dreading for it to come by because it made me feel kinda old (imagine... 25...), it is indicating that I have lived a quarter of a century! Yikes! 

I did not do much on that day, however I received a lot of greetings & blessings from Facebook friends, a couple of friends from Australia. Perhaps it is the age thing, I only received 2 gifts this year: a lovely card from an MIA friend in Australia, so she is not so MIA after all and a practical gift, a bag hanger from a close friend. All the greetings put a smile across my face the whole day, while I just sat in front of the TV and spent my whole afternoon and night. 

So another week came and gone by, I have not managed to do any of my revision as well. Ouch. I did touch my notes to refresh my memory for about one hour, in the midst of gastric pain. I suffered a terrible gastric pain for the past 2-3 days, and I finally went to the clinic to get some medication yesterday. The doctor told me that I am not supposed to take any tea, chocolate drink, spicy food & acidic food. She must be kidding right?  That must be the saddest news. I did not ask whether that would be a permanent thing or a temporary stop, I guess I can try after the current gastric pain goes off. Some people just never learn their lessons eh. 

I went to my boss' house last night for dinner to celebrate her achievement in getting some award from the Sultan earlier this week. I was the one who ordered the food with the caterer, and that was before the massive gastric evil came to me, hence most of the food were spicy. Oh yes, I love spicy. 

There were:
~ Vegetarian spring roll & deep fried chicken wanton as appetizer. Plus home made potato salad too.
~ Fried rice as the staple food.
~ Oven roasted whole lamb leg
~ Green curry chicken
~ Deep fried fish fillet with mango
~ Mixed vegetables
~ Oreo cheesecake, Tiramisu in cup & fruit tarts as dessert
~ Beverage: fruit punch, red wine, beer & brandy! (Heaven? Yes...)

There I was, not supposed to take any food which may upset my stomach but I still took a little portion of all the food listed above, and that includes the beverage too. Two of my colleagues and I stayed back after everyone has left, talking to my boss while savouring her alcohol supply. 

So we talked about Lawas, Sarawak where one of a colleague is from, which led to Lawas Hot Spring. My colleague mentioned that to get to the hot spring, a 4WD will be needed, because the roads there are mainly meant for trucks carrying timber. 

I asked, "Then what was the point of building a hot spring there, when they are not intending to fix the road?"
Suddenly I find eyes looking at me... my boss said, "They didn't built it there, it's out of nature..."

Okay... that was a little embarrassing! Haha... because I remember the Poring Hot Spring in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah has all these cemented bath with pipes and mini hill to turn it into a tourist attraction. No worries, I was never really good with Geography anyway! 

7 days countdown for me to go to Singapore! I know... I know... I should be revising! But still very excited about visiting Singapore, not about the shopping, but more about R&R... not forgetting food and Universal Studios! I hope my next R&R will be in Korea by next May (that means, savings!!) and Langkawi & Penang by next October... 

Till then, take care everyone. xoxo...

Mode: Complicated

Recently I am suffering from a lot of complications, as in emotional wise. I guess the exam stress is haunting me again, I am back to where I was in May - June 2010. 

My exams is less than 2 months away. I want to do well for it, and I know I should start a study plan on it, slack less and work harder. But each time I reach home after work, I will feel tired. If I managed to open the books, I will feel like running away. If I fell asleep when I was supposed to do my revision, I will feel extremely guilty and I will keep reminding myself that I should revise that night but in the end the whole cycle repeats itself. 

On the other hand, I am pretty excited about my Singapore trip. The trip was never meant to be a relaxing trip at the first place. Just because I screwed up my law paper, I have to give up on the revision class in Singapore. But still, I am pretty excited... from hotel reservation to the budget, relaxing, Universal Studios and etc... I have not managed to have a getaway for quite a while, especially since I needed one badly since my last June exams.

I have had enough fun over the last weekend from Emily's birthday party, but I am seriously having trouble disciplining myself to study, to think that "work harder now and play later". Do I think that I can get away with it? 

To make life more complex, viewing from a bad side; to have a nice ice cream topping on my apple pie, viewing from a good side - I cannot get a guy out of my head. This is completely crazy. I do not even know him well enough but I like him enough to make me want to know him better. Screw those people who always say that girls shouldn't make the first move and crap, because in a way I am "listening" to this kind of advices. 

I want to know him better but I think he does not seem keen... so I am backing away a little... because of my pride, I do not wish to be too pushy. Maybe, I am just thinking too much... Should I wait for God to make his arrangement or decision... Like, if it is meant to be, some day we will be together & etc... *rolled eyes*

Really... in a confused state... do not like this at all... whatever test you are trying to put me through, you know I will survive through it but c'mon, just let it pass sooner. 

Photo credit to junku-newcleus @ Flickr.com

The Hunt for...

 
In addition to my previous post, I am suffering from toothache too. Hence I basically lost my appetite to eat, but I bought two bars of Cadbury chocolates. They're still sitting soundly in my fridge. I do not have to worry about big "rats" since my younger sister isn't home! Yes, she has the tendency to eat my stuff, if they lie around too long unattended. While savoring my things, she can take a picture of the precise moment using my camera, and later denying that she has anything to do with it (note: photo still not deleted from the camera).

My toothache... I still haven't been to the dentist to get it checked out. It is quite a pain cuz my gum around the wisdom teeth is swelling, making eating troublesome. So these few days I have been eating quite a lot of porridge.

Normally I'll only get the HK Style Porridge from our local restaurant, Wywy. It consists of small cuts of chicken breast, two fried wanton (meat dumplings - chicken), one mussel, a few cuts of century eggs (the preparer will only add them in as and when they like) and a generous amount of shredded carrots & gingers!! I love this porridge, it is quite delicious if not for the gingers getting in the way of my savoring moment, and not forgetting the fried garlic too!! Why do they like to put the fried garlic in? I had to remove them one by one. Price? It costs BND 3.50 - for the quantity and quality as mentioned, it is quite worth it.

Last night I discovered another place, Tai Hua Restaurant along Jalan Pretty. They are selling quite a variety of porridge too. Don't get me wrong, Wywy has a variety too but so far I have only tried their HK Style Porridge. So last night I tried TH's Minced Pork with century egg porridge. Food is good, portion was more than I could finish which could be due to my loss of appetite. Price was B$ 3.00. Downside: It's fine if you dine in, but if you opt to take away, they'll wrap it in a clear plastic bag (note: not even some kind of white foam bowl like what Wywy would do).

Then again, I am not a very fussy eater. So I went back to them again to order Seafood Porridge during lunch today! It's good!! Fair amount of fish fillet, prawns, squids... I was in heaven. I didn't ask to add in century egg because I brought 1 century egg from home and added in myself. Save me B$1.00! Haha. Actual pricing for seafood porridge is B$3.00. Portion was same as the minced pork porridge with century egg!

If I still do  not have the appetite to eat anything solid for dinner later, I will be going for their fish porridge. Oh gosh~ how I miss the days when I had fish porridge at the hawker centers nearby Singapore HDB flats! Cheap and crazily good! I won't mind going there to have breakfast everyday! And not forgetting, the fish porridge Simon brought me to when we were in KK two years back! Normally I would've avoided anything fishy, like fish soup (with the exception to the ones my dad make), but that porridge was really good. Too bad my stomach only had enough space for one bowl.

Looks like I have already made up my mind what to have for dinner later. Cheers ^^

guilt chomping from within

 
I have been sick since last week. 7days - if I must specify the number of days. It started off with a weird numbness on my chest when I was in the gym on Friday evening. Being sick was the last thing in my mind, I thought I was just out of breathe on the thread mill. The virus advanced itself on Saturday and by night time, my body felt so heavy that I just had to hit the bed early after taking some medications left over from previous doctor visits. My fever was on and off, cough getting more severe as each day passed. 

I went back to work on Monday, still hit the gym on the same evening but it was one heck of a long day for me. The evil grumpy witch within me kept lashing out at whoever was in my way, or did the slightest thing to annoy me. The heaviness made me feel like perhaps crying will relieve all the pain inside. But no... I didn't shed a tear. I invited Uncle for dinner at Buc's because I really need a time out, to have a peace of mind. On the other hand, he kept reminding me that he had a lot of work to be done, and he had a long day, yadee yadaa... but why didn't he just say so when I offered him dinner at the first place? It's okay, I managed to get my way. 

I had Black Pepper Chicken Chop served with mashed potatoes, grilled corn on cob & several pieces of green cuts. Uncle had Rack of Lamb with Black Pepper sauce. His side dishes are basically the same as mine. We had Baked Oysters as appetizer. They were finger licking good. Would've been better if the oysters didn't shrink so much during the baking process. 

Tuesday came by = deadline for my work to be completed. Body status = more sick than ever!!
I went to work still, finished off all my work by 11am and rushed to the doctors. I was attended at this "Flu Clinic" whereby the doctor looked like he couldn't care less. He gave me some cough syrup and paracetamol. I took the rest of the day off, spent them sleeping. I really slept a lot throughout all these time. 

Wednesday came, body status = still feverish!!
I surrendered, I couldn't go to work at all in the morning. My head felt as if a train ran over it. I looked for my mom and told her to "gua sa" for me. Normally one is supposed to have full good rest after it, but my mom insisted on waking me up at exactly 1hour later so that I can send her to the Immigration office, wait for her and send her back to her shop! It really annoyed the eff out of me. I went back to work in the afternoon, though my boss claimed that I looked pale, and should go home and rest. I stayed till 5pm. Went to the private clinic after work and boy, that doc sure gives miracle medications. I took them and retired before 9pm, woke up this morning feeling really good. My cough is still there, but I felt much more better compared to yesterday. 

Today came, body status = not too bad but guilt is chomping me down inside! Why?
I threw tantrums at Uncle during lunch earlier. Because I got irritated for the fact that I still have to run around grabbing lunch while being sick, and the people on the road were driving like snails! When I reached his place, I did not even bother asking about his day and etc. I guess I am really self-centered. Apparently he had a busy day at work because there was an incident. Rather than being the dotting girlfriend I should be, I gave this crap to him. I am always trying to work on this but always failed! Why?

Today received a parcel from G-market Singapore, more than half of the items in this parcel do not belong to me and some of them were intended to be gifts to my friends, so I will not be disclosing what I bought! Haha.

Hope that I will get well soon and that my remaining parcels will come to me asap! :D
**Busy weekend ahead**


(Photo credits to stella-mia (on/off) from Flickr)