Friday, October 29, 2010

Just Because

I am tired. I read back to my previous post and I wonder whether I am happy or not. In one of my earlier October post, I said that guilt is chomping me from within because I felt that I have not been a good girl friend. So now I wonder whether the problem lies with me or with him?

If I do not ask how his day was, he will say that I do not ask him how it went. 
If I ask him, he will tell me that he does not feel like talking about it. 
So, am I supposed to ask him or just keep mum about it?

I told him about my cancellation of hotel booking in Singapore. He said that it is better that I do not update him anymore.
But when I made my first booking in Balesteir, he asked me why I never consulted him before making a reservation.
So, am I supposed to tell him everything or not?

Last year I told him I wanted to go to Philippines in Oct, he told me it will be rainy season and Philippines is not a very safe place. 
When I was sitting for my June papers, I told him I needed a good break after my exams. He said he will bring me to some where off Bintulu, which never happened, if you need to know. I checked out this place - Borneo Rainforest, about an hour drive from Miri and suggested to him, but he said that for sure I cannot stand the mosquitoes there.
I told him I want to go to Langkawi and Penang. He asked me why? For sure I will not enjoy my time in Langkawi because it will be very crowded and in addition to that, Penang food is not good. 
I told him I want to go to Bali - he gave me a funny look. He must have commented something bad about it too, which I have forgotten.
I told him a friend of mine is going to Taiwan soon, he said it is the rainy season. 
He then finally said it to me, if I wish to go traveling, I should just go with my sisters. With the reason being that maybe he is too old for this, though he enjoyed traveling when he was younger. 
He said that it is up to me to choose the place to eat, since it will be a belated birthday dinner with me, so I told him that I want crab from Miri. He paused for a moment, and nodded. 

I am always driving around getting him lunch and/or dinner, regardless of the weather and of my health condition. 
We are forever eating in front of the television. Normally he will finish his food faster than me, he will light up his cigarette in front of me, while I am still eating my food. 
I am forever the one preparing him hot drinks, cold drinks and whatsoever. 

He always tells me that he wants to send me off or pick me up whenever I am going abroad, I fell for this trap countless time, because I know that he will not do it. Always something has to come up. So my trip to Singapore next week, I never expect him to do it, so I never ask him. That was why I chose flight from BSB instead of from Miri. He then tries to set up the same ol' trap for me to jump in again. 

He knows very well that my flight will only reach the LCCT in KL, which is not the same as KLIA, which has Burger King. He actually told me to take a bus, cab or public transport to go to KLIA to buy him some burgers from Burger King, since my flight from KL to Brunei will only leave at 1.30pm. 

I am really tired of all these. I am being treated like a dirt, scumbag, doing all the things I do not like and yet I do not get appreciated. In addition to all the things I have done above, I actually drove all the way to SPARK just to submit HIS job application form during lunch. He compensated me by cooking curry chicken for dinner, which he was showing me his face just cuz he could not reach me earlier, when I was home on the phone with an ex-colleague for half an hour. I did ask him repeatedly whether he was tired during the day or not, he said no and in the end, he gave me this crap. 
Do I deserve this? 

Why is that when he goes back to Singapore, he can drive his wife (ex-wife?) and kid to KL without complaining of being tired? While he can just tick off just at the slightest thing I do - it could be just a wrong way of conveying the message in my head, something I am not able to do. My heart feels so drop dead cold. I am forever making the effort to go over to his place, and hoping there will be this day when he will introduce me to his parents or godmother, at least. But it never happened. He never went to my house to meet my parents. 

When I see Emily & Andrew being together, I am envious because I do not get spoilt like that. I did not go through the lovey-dovey stage like them. I want that. I am just a 25 years old lady after all. I want to go somewhere with him where we can relax and have fun. But it seems like it will never happen. 

Eating out with me is as if it is a biggest dread for him. We do not even eat in KB, unless it is in a remote place, and late at night. But with his colleagues, he can just join them every lunch and every tea break. 

Deep down, I know he is not the right guy for me. Perhaps I am scared of being alone. I want to walk away from this so-called relationship, I really want to. Just because I am tired.

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